Adoption and Tracing Birth Parents and Families

Many adopted people may know very little, if anything, about their birth families. If you are in this position, you may have thought about whether or not you would like to trace members of your birth family.


Even to begin on that journey can feel scary. You may have a multitude of questions concerning your birth family - will you get any answers and what kind of answers might these be? It may be that you feel quite ambivalent about finding things out and whether or not you would like contact with any family members you might find.


As you proceed in this journey, having a space to reflect can be helpful. The human mind seems to dislike blank spaces and we imagine what we don't know. For an adopted person, this can mean that you have ideas concerning your birth family that may be challenged by what you actually find out. Trying to make sense of it and develop a better understanding can take time.


Often people find that they take their investigations in stages, finding out so much and then letting that sink in before taking things further. This seems a sensible approach, given the emotions that can be stirred up in the process.


Nowadays a great deal can be found out through the internet. You never know what you might find! Perhaps it is not possible to be always prepared, but you can give yourself time to reflect on and process your findings. Having time and space to allow your journey to develop, at a pace with which you are comfortable, can be important for your wellbeing.


Research into family trees seems to be getting more and more popular, not just with those who are adopted. It seems as human beings we often want to think about where we came from, as part of how we see our identity - who we think we are.


Each person's journey can have its own twists and turns including discoveries, (good and not so good). If you can take care of yourself in this process, you'll be in the best place to make decisions that will work best for you.


If you would like help and support in your search, Lin provides face-to-face counselling in Stroud, Gloucestershire;  and telephone counselling for those living in the UK.


Lin Travis Counselling Services

Stereoscopic vision - having a more 3-D view of the world

It seems to me that at times it can be useful to look at things in different ways in order to better understand what is going on. At a simple level, if you saw the face of a pyramid from one angle you might not realise what the structure was really like. You wouldn't have a three dimensional picture - how could you?

I think it can be useful to bear this in mind when looking at more complex things that can be hard to understand - like ideas or human relationships. We might wish that other people could better see our point of view, (which is obviously the 'right' way to see things, isn't it?). However taking in other perspectives can be really helpful in seeing the bigger picture - a more three dimensional view, helping us better understand and appreciate each other.

In some ways, we all may have a resistance to this, especially where our emotions are involved. However, I think that we also, as human beings, have a great capacity to see things from differing viewpoints. It struck me recently that actually our brains are wired up in that way. We have stereoscopic vision.

Our two eyes each see a slightly different picture of the world and our brains merge the two to give us a three dimensional picture with depth of perspective - that's how our brains work. We naturally take in different views and do our best to make sense of them. It's a human trait.

Of course that's a simple comparison; and doesn't mean that we will always just agree with every other point of view. But we can at least have some understanding of what things might look like from someone else's viewpoint.; and this more three dimensional view of the world may help us in how we live our lives and relate to each other.

Lin Travis Counselling Services

Objective science and subjective voices

I'm going to an 'Medicine Unboxed' event in a couple of months or so.. I haven't been to any previous ones but I'm looking forward to it. This year's event is called 'Voice'. Medicine Unboxed is a not-for-profit organisation that aims to explore 'understanding medicine through the arts and humanities'. I like the thought of this.

It's easy in the course of everyday work to get stuck in particular ways of looking at things. Therefore to see new perspectives, especially from different disciplines, seems to me very worthwhile. As a counsellor, both in the NHS and in private practice, I am especially interested in 'voice' from different perspectives.

For me, both psychology and philosophy inform my work and I'm glad to have had the opportunity to study both. These for me have been two different voices. Psychology has given me a grounding - a factual approach - and the philosophy has helped me in asking questions that open things up to further investigation.

That makes it sound as though they fit well together and some of the time that's true, but not always. Often philosophy asks questions and challenges points of view including the scientific perspective. It's easy to feel defensive and protective of a point of view rather than allow any challenge. I found it really difficult to begin with, hearing the scientific viewpoint being challenged. I'm sure this coming event will challenge some of my points of view too. I hope so.

Having 'objective' scientific facts can be very reassuring. However, as human beings, we also have a conscious awareness - a subjective sense of things. I think that's important too - our own particular take on the world. Science can have trouble trying to measure this and taking it into account. You can't reduce this subjective sense to a set of numbers. Even words to describe how we think, and especially how we feel, can be hard to come by. Science alone may not always seem adequate for the task.

However when we can go beyond this to, for instance using the arts, then it becomes easier. We can use literature, poetry, paintings etc. to help describe things that seem not to fit easily into the neat boxes of science. Philosophy can help us question things; and therapy can help us work with the uncertainty that this questioning invokes. We can explore new territory.

For example, when Sartre wants to describe being inauthentic or in 'bad faith' in 'Being and Nothingness', he uses vignettes to give us the idea of what he is trying to say - little scenes that paint a picture very effectively. For me, his vignettes bring his ideas alive. The existentialists, including Sartre, also used novels as a way of  helping to communicate their ideas for this reason. Metaphors and stories can introduce layers of meaning that help give us a more in depth understanding. Kafka, and a couple of thousand years before him, Chuang Tzu seem to me particularly adept at these layers of meaning in their writing - encouraging us to see, and to think about, things in new ways.

Freud talked about elements in dreams as being 'over-determined' -  that is having layers of meaning, all of which have significance. The arts can help us access this dream world part of ourselves, that might otherwise be hard to get hold of.

I feel therefore that having a variety of ways of exploring the human condition makes sense to me. Any one perspective is just that - one perspective. Sometimes in order to get a more three dimensional view, we need view to see things from different angles. Involving different disciples including the arts and philosophy seems to me a great way of encouraging this exploration; and engaging with fresh ideas.

I'm not against a scientific approach, but rather I think it is one way among several that can help us explore humanity in all its fascinating dimensions.

Lin Travis Counselling Services

Finger pointing at the moon.

As a psychodynamic counsellor, I feel something of a dilemma. What can I say about what therapy is about; or what it might be like for any of my clients? People may be looking for reassurance or some idea of what it might entail. That seems fair enough, but in practice not so easy. Therapy is such an individual thing; and what is important is how each individual experiences it; and what they can learn from that experience.

There are many therapeutic approaches but the psychodynamic approach involves helping the client feel comfortable and safe enough to talk about whatever is bothering them. It also presumes that people are not necessarily aware of what is underlying how they feel.

This means that I cannot say ahead of time exactly what it will be like. Individual therapy involves two people, both therapist and client, and their interactions through therapy. It's not a taught course, written ahead of time, but authentic interaction between two people. It unfolds in real time. That's part of what makes it therapy.

 

Given this, counselling may feel like a step into the unknown. It may understandably feel scary. Making it feel safe enough for the client is therefore very important. It can be a challenging process but also it can be very rewarding and satisfying when changes do take place.

 

I can't therefore specify exactly what therapy might be like, but I can hopefully indicate something of what it is. This seems to me a bit like the idea of a finger pointing at the moon. You don't look at the tip of the finger, but at the direction in which it's pointing. It's a way of doing things, but exactly how you get there is something to be discovered as you go along the way, with the support and encouragement of the therapist - an excursion into new territory from a safe place.

 

Lin Travis Counselling Services

New Year resolutions and making changes

Even if you don't call it a New Year resolution, this is a time of year when many of us think about making a fresh start or at least trying to do things differently to in the past. Then all too often, we end up back in the same old habits as usual, stuck in the same old ways. It can seem like it should be easy enough to make changes but somehow it doesn't always work out like that. Seemingly small things can get in the way. It can be disheartening when this happens.

Counselling may be helpful in exploring what is going on, and perhaps uncovering underlying issues that prevent us from making the changes that we feel would be good for us. If making changes seems worthwhile, then giving yourself the best chance of achieving your goal seems to make sense. Perhaps there are obstacles that need clearing out of the way.

Yet some people may be afraid of failure and think that if they don't really try, then they can't really fail.  This can stop any attempt at change from getting off the ground. On the other hand, others may appear to sabotage themselves in a way that suggests they are more afraid of success. Unravelling these processes, whether conscious or unconscious, may give some clarity and help with seeing a way forward...

January is named after the god Janus who had two faces - one looking back to the past year and one looking forward to the year ahead. We may review the past year and make plans for the coming one - hence the New Year resolutions. Nothing wrong with that, but how much time do we spend then focusing just in the present moment? The past and the future may have an influence on how we live our lives, but we live them in each present moment - ultimately the present is the only place we can really be.

Lin Travis Counselling Services

Jungian approach to therapy - becoming more yourself

When you come for therapy you may not notice or be aware of the theoretical orientation of your therapist. They don't always say much anyway, do they? Does it make any difference what approach they say they use?

I would like to say that it can make a difference. I was reminded the other day, how much value I put on the approach that I use, by seeing it in contrast to other ways of working. In any approach, there are basic assumptions and they inform the perspective and the way we work. I use a psychodynamic approach, that is influenced a fair amount by Jungian concepts and ideas.

For me, the Jungian element gives depth and breadth to therapy. In this perspective, the unconscious is seen to contain not just a collection of repressed thoughts, feelings and memories. It is that, but so much more than that also. It is the source of the 'darker' side of our nature but at the same time, (or perhaps because of this), it contains our creativity and spiritual sides too.

People may often come for help and want to be told what to do. They may be unaware of the resources they already possess. The Jungian approach assumes that these resources are there - perhaps just a bit hard to find. Making this assumption, it is possible to work in a way that encourages people to learn to trust their own abilities. It's empowering and it's hopeful without being 'Pollyannaish'.

It also contains a sense of balance. We may be aware of certain aspects of our personalities but less aware of other parts of ourselves. Discovering that there is more to us than we previously supposed can be challenging but rewarding and enriching. We can feel more 'whole' or that we have come home in some sense, discovering things about us that we weren't aware of before and yet we've always known.

Of course not everyone wants to use the same approach. What may suit one person may not suit another. However finding one you feel comfortable with can make a difference. This is something of what works for me.

Lin Travis Counselling Services

Bereavement - loss and the process of grief

In our society, we often don't give much space to the grieving process. After a bereavement you may be given a few days off work; and then you 'should be' ready to carry on as usual. Other people may ask how you are, but perhaps you feel they are expecting you to say that you are OK now, even if that's not really how you feel inside.

Grieving takes as long as it takes! It isn't something you can hurry; nor is it something you can just 'do' to fit in with a busy work schedule. However you may feel the pressure to show others that you are 'back to normal,'  when in fact you're still grieving. There is no 'right' way to grieve. We do it in our own time and our own way.

I feel that this is important in itself - the fact that we all have our own individual way of grieving. If a loved one dies, those who were close to that person may all grieve in different ways. This can have various consequences.

You may feel that you don't want to 'burden' others or perhaps that you need to be the 'strong one' and put your own feelings to one side in order to be there for them. Therefore you keep your feelings to yourself, maybe even burying them. Sometimes it may seem that there is nothing else you can do. At some point though, these feelings are likely to re-emerge, perhaps when you're least expecting it. They come back to bite you.

One way of thinking about this is that feelings may re-emerge when you have the space and the capacity to deal with them. I'm saying this because people may feel that they 'shouldn't ' have feelings of grief after 'all this time' - maybe years after the bereavement. It tends to happen though because these feelings were put to one side. They need to come out at some point. It's part of the grieving process - part of healing. You do it when you are able.

Another consequence of a bereavement is that while you may be grieving yourself, and your family or partner is grieving too, at any one point in time, your feelings may not correspond. Therefore you may feel out of tune with others. Why do you feel sad, when they are angry? Why do you feel angry, when they are feeling sad? Why does someone feel numb and others highly emotional?

These differences can cause feelings of isolation. It can be hard to understand each other - just when you need each other most. This is a normal experience in grieving. It makes things more complicated though - an extra stress.

Accepting that other people will be grieving in their own way - just as you are - can ease the process. Some people may very openly express their feelings, while others keep it in. But they both could be hurting just as much as each other. Some people may just feel numb. That doesn't mean they don't care but that it is hard for them to take it in all at once - a kind of self protection. We take in what we are able to. It takes time. 

Allowing each other the space for your own processes is therefore very helpful. You may not entirely understand how others feel, but acknowledging and accepting the difference can still help. It's certainly a good starting point.

I've mentioned anger, sadness and feeling numb. There may be one particular feeling at any one time, but it can also feel like a mix of conflicting feelings battling it out.  Again, although difficult, this is normal. Accepting that you are experiencing a mix of feelings, however much you'd rather not, can be helpful.

Counselling is an option for exploring these complex feelings, when it's hard to sort them out by yourself. Having a space to talk about how you feel can help untangle and make more sense of these feelings.

These are just some brief comments about bereavement and loss, particularly focusing on our individual differences and acceptance of this. Finally, I'd like to say that grieving is a process.This means that however idiosyncratic, it does have a beginning, middle and end, however complex it may seem. Working through your difficult feelings, as grieving allows you to do, gives you a chance to heal. It isn't just time but the healing takes place in time. Having patience and compassion for yourself and others can help with this process of grief.

Lin Travis Counselling Services

Death on exhibition

There's a new exhibition just opened at the Wellcome Collection in London called Death: A self-portrait. The exhibition explores the image of death in a wide variety of forms. While this might not not be everyone's cup of tea, perhaps there's something about it worth reflecting on.

In our society, death tends to be something not talked about a great deal. If we are impolite enough to mention it, then we may use euphemisms like 'passed away,' rather than come straight out and say 'dead.' I'm not meaning to be harsh, but I think it can be helpful to name it - to call 'death' by its name. 

Death is part of life - the end of the process of life - and however much we don't talk about it, it is unavoidable. This is a fact we all have to face at some point, for ourselves and for our loved ones. It is painful and sad, that our lives have an end. However, because we have a limited life span, that, in my mind, makes it all the more precious. If we only have so much time, (and who knows exactly how much), then shouldn't we make the most of it, valuing what we have?

I don't mean this as an argument for hedonism but for living a life in the best possible way, whatever that means for you - a life that is as worthwhile as you can make it. I'm not thinking about having to do amazing things, or having spectacular results. I'm thinking more about having good intentions and living your life in a way so that when you look back, you can feel OK about it, knowing you've given it your best shot. That's all any of us can do, isn't it?

If we could choose, would we really want to live forever?  I don't think that would be that great. Wouldn't we just put things off for another day or year or decade? And wouldn't we lose our enthusiasm for life, if it just went on and on forever? Knowing our life is finite gives it an intensity it wouldn't otherwise have.

There's no one way or 'right' way to think about death though, is there? I might have my ideas about it; and you will have yours. It's complex as well as emotive. That's why I think it's good to have an exhibition that brings it into the public domain - it encourages us to talk about death and to think about it from a variety of perspectives. Let's acknowledge death and then get on with living.

Lin Travis Counselling Services


 

Managing stress - from superhero to good enough.

The weeks running up to Christmas can often be particularly stressful. Whether it's financial worries or family issues or just how you feel in yourself, Christmas can be difficult. At the same time, you may feel you should be enjoying yourself - another pressure! Pressure piles on top of pressure; and it can be hard to see beyond it. How then can you best manage stress?

There is so much pressure 'out there', on TV, in our culture etc. to buy more and to do more than perhaps is realistically possible. If we take this outside pressure on, and then use it on ourselves, we are adding to it, making it worse for ourselves. Our stress levels increase.We can so easily set ourselves impossible targets; and then be down on ourselves for not achieving them. Being realistic in what you can achieve is therefore an important part of managing stress, I feel. You can accept that there are outside pressures without adding to them unnecessarily. Why kick yourself when you're down?

We can all kid ourselves at times that we can do more; while at the same time, deep down we know it's not really possible. On top of our original pressures, we are then also battling with ourselves, trying to somehow make ourselves do the impossible. As a strategy for managing stress, trying to do the impossible doesn't work! This might sound ridiculously obvious to say, but we are all guilty at times of trying to do the impossible, aren't we? We try to be superheros rather than human beings. It can be surprising how liberating and empowering it can be to admit to yourself that you can't do the impossible. It leaves you with what is possible. (Not quite Occam's razor but...)

Certainly there is something illogical about trying to make ourselves do things that we are not capable of doing. But then there's a lot more to human beings than just the logical! While our logic can influence actions, so can our emotions. Not that that makes our emotions 'bad'. We need them to motivate us. Perhaps though, it's a case of where do we apply the brakes, so that our enthusiasm doesn't run out of control and cause us stress? It's a case of balance.

Sometimes a tendency to perfectionism can cause us to have expectations of ourselves that are unhealthily and unrealistically high. Think about what you really can do, as opposed to what you might like to do in an ideal world. Having goals that motivate us is one thing, making them unachievable is another.

Prioritising is also an important part of managing stress, I feel. What needs to be done now and what can be done at a later date? I don't mean just putting things off, so you feel they're all piling up on you. Rather I'm thinking about planning ahead, so that you have a strategy for dealing with things in a timely fashion. That way you are reducing the feeling of being overwhelmed by competing demands, feeling pushed and pulled in all directions. You know you can't do it all at once. What can you reasonably do later, (given that we have already established that you can't do the impossible)?

Again this is logical, common sense, but often we need to give ourselves permission to prioritise. If it feels like a kind of defeat to admit you're not superwoman or superman, think about how being realistic will allow you to gain some control and manage the situation. - to feel more like you're coping. That's good isn't it? Maybe even good enough?

Also helpful in managing stress is developing the ability to recognise and accept when there are things that will be difficult whatever you do. It can sap your energy trying to change what you can't change. Accepting what you can't change gives the opportunity for limited supplies of precious energy to be directed where they will have most effect.

I'm not saying anything new here, but I'm not apologising for this. Despite knowing these things, we all as human beings have a tendency to think this all applies to other people, and that somehow we'll manage to do what we wouldn't expect from others. Tendencies, however, are habits - and habits can be changed.

Lin Travis Counselling Services

Chuang Tzu's useless tree

In the writings of the Chinese philosopher Chuang Tzu, there is an anecdote about an ancient tree that people called 'useless'. It had a knotted trunk and twisted branches; so nobody wanted to cut it down - its wood couldn't be used for anything. The tree was therefore left to grow undisturbed. It could just be a tree and continued to grow year after year. It flourished.

Something about this story fascinates me. Not that I think being useless is good in itself; but rather that we tend to think of things mostly in terms of how we can use them. We buy things that are useful, we value things for being useful. Nothing wrong with that, but isn't there something beyond this?

There's something special about seeing things as being fine just as they are without wanting to do something to them or with them - a beautiful sunset, a walk in the woods...  plants and animals too - an orangutan in the rainforest, a wild orchid in an undisturbed habitat....

When it comes to people though, our expectation may be that they have to be useful to us. How much of an insult is it to say to someone that they are 'useless'? Would we accuse an orangutan of being useless? Probably not.

I'm not suggesting that it's bad to do useful things, far from it.  However it seems to me, that there is something beyond this usefulness that is important too, something we might need in order to flourish ourselves.  Sometimes in our busy lives, we might lose sight of it.

Lin Travis Counselling Services

Adoption issues, individual narratives & the importance of listening.

In Adoption Week in the UK, I wanted to write something about adoption issues. This is not about adoption itself as a process, but about those who may have been affected by it and still have issues around it.

We don't normally hear much about adoption in the press; and I feel people often don't know how to react or respond to the subject. For those affected by it, this can feel quite alienating. It can feel like nobody understands. I'm not pretending here as a counsellor to be all knowing and understanding. That's the point, how can I or anyone understand unless somebody tells us what it's like for them?  

Both in life generally and in counselling, I've met quite a few people affected by this issue. What strikes me most is that everyone has their own story, their own particular narrative. There is definitely not a 'one size fits all' account.

The circumstances around adoption may often be complex; and adoption has happened for a wide range of reasons. Individuals react differently, even when circumstances appear to be similar. The only way we can gain some understanding is to listen - to hear someone's story.

This could apply to other circumstances, not just adoption, but I do feel that adoption issues can be particularly multi-faceted; and people's responses can be complex and often conflicted. This is normal. Complex situations are likely to produce complex responses and feelings.

If we can listen, if we're interested in what the other person has to say, then we provide an opportunity or space for that person to be heard - whatever their story.

Lin Travis Counselling Services

Counselling and politics - hopes and dreams in context.

On the day of the US elections, I've been thinking about politics and what it might mean for ordinary people. How relevant are politics in our everyday lives?

As individuals, we have hopes and dreams for ourselves and others. How these play out is in part determined or limited by ourselves, and in part limited by the society in which we live. In counselling, we can take a look at ourselves, maybe discover there is more to us than we previously supposed. This can be hopeful and empowering; but where do we go from here? To pretend we can do anything we wish is patronising.

Whatever we may be capable of achieving, there also need to be opportunities within our society in order to realise these ambitions. I am not arguing for a 'nanny state,' where we are passively looked after, with no responsibility for ourselves. I do feel however that we need to care for each other in a co-operative way. This can work at an individual level and in the way we are as a society, including its politics.

Of course politicians can make all kinds of promises which play on our hopes and dreams - it gets votes.  Being able to deliver on these promises is another thing. With limited resources, we may not be able to do everything we want. This means making choices we would rather not have to make. In politics, there have to be choices and therefore priorities, although what is the priority may change over time.

In prioritising one thing, we may have to face the loss of some other possibility. Just when we choose something really good, at the same time we are not choosing something else. We can feel sad at the same time as feeling good. We feel conflict within ourselves. This can make us stuck and go round in circles, not wanting to make decisions. This happens for us as individuals and in the field of politics. Nobody wants to say 'No we can't do that, even though it's a good thing to do.'

However, accepting the potential losses in difficult decisions can allow us to become unstuck and move forward. It can be painful and challenging; but it is also liberating. It means that we can get on with our lives. We can make plans and look forward to the future in a realistic way.

Lin Travis Counselling Services

Connecting with others

I was just  reading some comments about 'solipsism'. The solipsistic viewpoint suggests that it's not possible to prove the existence of anything beyond your own mind. This may seem extreme or silly to most people, just the province of philosophers in their ivory towers, tying themselves up in knots. Good luck to them! But don't we apply something of this perspective in everyday life?

If not logically, then perhaps from an emotional point of view, we may not always feel that closely connected to others. We can have a sense of our own thoughts and feelings, but not so much of how others think and feel -that can seem less real to us. However doesn't connecting with others in a meaningful way involve seeing at least something of their point of view? Doesn't it involve seeing them as people separate from us - with their own mind, own way of seeing things, own way of feeling things?

It isn't always easy to understand where others are coming from. We can tend to expect that they think about things in the same way that we do. Of course in many ways, this is the case, we share the same culture, have many things in common - but how we think and feel about it may not be exactly the same.

The point I'm trying to make is that understanding other people's point of view can be an enriching experience for us. It can help us feel more connected to others and feel more a part of the world, rather than on our own, seeing others from a distance.

There may be times when we feel distressed and unable to take in other people's point of view so well. This seems to me fair enough. It's important to look after ourselves. However to listen to others and to try to understand from their perspective can help us get closer. That in turn can also be helpful for us. In feeling more securely connected with others, we may feel better in ourselves and more part of the world.

Lin Travis Counselling Services

Freedom and the chains of the unconscious

I heard someone quote the first line of Jean-Jacques Rousseau's book, 'The Social Contract,' the other day. While Rousseau was  discussing people in relation to their society, it seems to resonate in other ways too. The line is,

Man was born free, and he is everywhere in chains.

 I started thinking about this in terms of individuals, how we are in ourselves. We can often feel weighed down, unable to do the things we'd like to do. Something seems to prevent us. What are these chains?

In psychodynamic therapy we look at how the past affects us in the present, interfering with our ability to get on with our lives. We can feel that in some way we are sabotaging ourselves....yet again! We can feel that we are unable to be the best we could be, to realise our potential. In this way we can feel that we are in chains.

From this psychodynamic perspective, I would say that at least some of this goes on at an unconscious level. We may be aware that 'something' is sabotaging us, but we can't work out what it is. Even loosening these chains then, let alone getting rid of them, can seem a daunting task.

I guess though the first step is to recognise that the chains do exist. We have to have some understanding of what we're up against. Perhaps we can notice them indirectly. The things we 'forget' to do. The things we say by 'accident'. The feeling that things are much more difficult than we might expect them to be. These might be signs of the unconscious at work.

Psychodynamic counselling and therapy can help us explore and untangle our past; and perhaps shed some light on our unconscious at work. If we can do this, then we can increase our understanding of ourselves.

As long as we don't see the chains, we can't change anything. We can feel stuck, compelled to act as we do. Whereas if we have more understanding of ourselves, then we can make freer choices as to how we live our lives. We can perhaps at least loosen the chains.

Lin Travis Counselling Services

From badgers to couples counselling - blaming or working together.

Reading again today about badger culls and TB, it made me think again about blame versus responsibility. If there's a problem, there will be some people who find the easiest way out is to point the finger, saying 'It's their fault, nothing to do with me.' In this case, the 'solution' proposed by some has been a badger cull.

It seems a simple solution, but life is often more complex than that though isn't it? In this example, there are badgers with TB; and there are cows with TB. Killing some badgers seems to me unlikely to 'solve' the problem. However as long as the 'culprit' is out there, a perception of 'them' and not 'us', then this type of tactic is likely to be proposed. 

Surely it makes more sense to say that there is a problem and ask what we can do co-operatively to find the best way forward? I'm using the badger issue as an example, as I think it shows just how easily we tend to take sides and to blame and perhaps even to want to punish.

Even to talk about 'solutions' as such can be unhelpful sometimes when dealing with complex situations. Sometimes we have to work on what might be good enough; and manage risk; and find the best way forward. It all sounds very woolly, doesn't it? Dealing with uncertainty can feel like that sometimes but is probably much more realistic. Life can be very uncertain and unpredictable; and there may not be obvious 'solutions' to all our problems. Does this mean that we have to pretend that we have all the answers, or that we can allow ourselves to be uncertain at times?

Uncertainty allows a space for more open-minded exploration and may be more likely to find a productive way forward - much more likely than easy answers that may be ill-considered. Blaming can leave us feeling angry, empty and powerless. Thinking about co-operative ways forward opens the door for a broader view and more creative ideas.

This more open-minded, co-operative way of looking at difficult issues can be applied to badgers; to politics; and also to ordinary individuals trying to relate to each other. For two people, (for instance in couples counselling), to say 'we have a problem that we would like to work on together' is very different to saying 'I think it's his fault!'

The open-minded co-operative approach immediately allows a space to think about what's going on. Without blaming, we can feel comfortable enough to do this, even if it's not easy. This can be really helpful in couples counselling. It may seem like we've come a long way from badgers here, but the same basic processes are involved.  This is about how we relate as human beings whether to other creatures; to other people generally; or in our closest associations with our loved ones.

In fact the closer we get to others, the harder it can get. We can feel more defensive; and when we feel more defensive, we attack more and blame more. However in choosing not to take 'blaming' as the default position, we can take a step back and think about working co-operatively with others. We can work together on the problem and we are no longer alone.

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Anxiety, mindfulness & purple elephants with pink spots on.

General anxiety can be difficult to shift. Thoughts can go round and round and give us no peace. We may feel unable to relax enough to get a good night's sleep; but not alert enough in the day to focus. It can be a vicious cycle.

One way of tackling this however is through mindfulness practice. It can help give us some distance from these difficult thoughts. This is not to say that I think we should avoid our thoughts or try to suppress them. They tend to have a way of either not going away or coming back to bite us somehow. If I say 'don't think of a purple elephant with pink spots', what is the first thing that comes into your mind? The chances are that it's a purple elephant with pink spots!

Rather than forcing thoughts to appear or not, mindfulness helps you gain control of your thoughts in a more healthy and gentle way. In the elephant example, you might allow the thought of a purple elephant to come in to your mind and then let it fade away of its own accord, neither forcing nor trying to stop the process.

Another example would be to imagine that your mind is the clear blue sky, and your thoughts are like clouds going across it. You can't stop them appearing or disappearing, but you know they will go of their own accord.

The problem with our own thoughts, as opposed to clouds or purple elephants, is that we worry about them. In fact we worry about worrying! This in itself raises our level of anxiety. Perhaps we worry about worrying as we think there might be something wrong with us.Why are we worrying like this? Other people don't seem to get like this ...Actually though it is very common, easily done, a vicious cycle. A cycle however that can be broken.

Mindfulness practices have helped many people with these problems. Being practices means that in order for them to help you have to practise rather than just think about them. If you're stuck with nagging thoughts though, it can be a relief to be able to focus on things beyond these thoughts.

How about going for a brisk walk at lunchtime, just five or ten minutes round the block? Focus on your body and how it feels as you take each step. If your mind wanders to your thoughts again, just gently bring it back to the sensations in your body as you walk. If you did this each day, you would be beginning to train yourself in a new and mindful way that could help you tackle your level of anxiety.

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Be mindful...have a cup of tea.

There are so many ways of being mindful but often it's the simple things that are the most effective. One of my favourites is 'have a cup of tea'.

The idea is to focus totally on what you are doing - the complete opposite of multi-tasking! Pour the tea into your favourite cup, notice the colour, the warmth of the cup in your hands, the weight of the cup. Sip it slowly and notice how the tea tastes and feels in your mouth.  Enjoy each sip and concentrate on just that.

If you find your mind wandering, then notice that this is happening. Then gently bring your attention back to the cup of tea. That's it!

It's that easy and that difficult. Generally we do several things at once and our minds flit about - planning, (or is it worrying about), the future and looking back on, (or fretting about), the past. The cup of tea gives you something physical to focus on and it only takes a few minutes of your time.

It may seem difficult to keep your mind focused but think of it as a kind of mind training. If you went to the gym for the first time, you wouldn't expect to perform as well as if you'd been training for a while.

Of course it doesn't have to be tea. It does help though to keep it quite simple. You can then observe yourself and how your mind reacts to this exercise. You can see how it wants to drift off into random thoughts or keeps returning to a particular worry. You have a chance to take a step back and observe your mind in action, gently returning it to the task in hand each time it wanders off.

Learning to focus your mind in this way can have both calming and energising effects - unlike multi-tasking...

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Does pointing the finger help? Fault versus responsibility

In therapy, the subject of blame often comes up. We can feel reluctant to talk about things causing us distress for fear that it seems we are blaming others, especially those close to us, those we care about. It can seem disloyal and that it's better to say nothing, to keep it all to ourselves.

In psychodynamic therapy and counselling, we often look at the past and our upbringing - the influences and events as we were growing up. Are we just blaming the previous generation - stirring up bad feelings and making things worse? Perhaps we should just forget about the past and focus in the present.

However, we can still find difficult  and distressing things in the present. Do we ignore these too for fear of blaming? On the other hand, would it then be better to blame and get it out of our systems - point the finger and have done with it?....

Yet if we do point the finger, we may well feel empty and powerless - after all it's 'their' fault, nothing to do with us. It must be up to 'them' to do something about it. Therefore if we focus on blaming or not blaming others, we can go round and round in circles and feel tied up in knots - stuck. Where does that leave us?

I feel that the way out of this can be to see it from a different perspective. If we can think not about blame but rather about responsibility, then things can begin to shift. We can't take responsibility for what other people do, but we can take responsibility for how we react to them.

While we blame others, we are focusing on what we would like from them. We feel powerless. However if we instead focus on our own thoughts and feelings, this is likely to be much more useful for us. We can't take responsibility for others' actions, but we can take responsibility for how we feel in the situation. Accepting how we feel can be powerful. It gives us a starting point, something we can work with. Maybe surprisingly, taking responsibility for how we feel doesn't mean staying stuck. Quite the opposite! It seems to act as a release and allows us a focus and space to reflect from our own perspective and to make sense of things.

Putting how we feel and think into words, and using words to make sense of these thoughts and feelings, changes the emphasis.We get to know ourselves better and to have more understanding of ourselves.  We are no longer focused on everyone else and waiting for them to do something. We begin to get some sense of control and personal meaning in our lives.

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The black hole of depression and the light beyond it.

Depression can be debilitating. It can drain our energy and take away our enthusiasm.  When it is severe, it can feel like it has taken away even our hopes and dreams. It can be hard to think about anything good, anything positive. Depression can be so destructive..... Then someone comes along and asks 'why don't you just pull yourself together?'.....

It seems to me that the feeling at this level of depression has similarities with a black hole. I'm thinking about how light cannot exist in a black hole - not does not exist but cannot. It can feel as though the depression has somehow destroyed anything good or the ability to be aware of anything good.

These two things are quite different though. It may feel that nothing good exists any more. Perhaps though, it is that what we have temporarily lost is our ability to be in touch with the good. Just as light exists beyond a black hole, so a sense of the good may exist beyond the 'black hole' of depression but we feel unable to get in touch with it.

This may however gives some hope though. Abilities can change. If we can visualise ourselves in a black hole, then perhaps we can think about the possibility of there being light beyond it. In this sense, depression can be like tunnel vision and in finding a way to be able to take a step back, we may be able to see the light again, even if at first it is just a glimpse. We have broadened our perspective or at least seen light at the end of the tunnel.

I feel that mindfulness practice can help with this process of taking a step back and seeing the bigger picture. When we focus in and get tangled up with negative thoughts and feelings, our view may be restricted or tainted, and we do not get the full picture. Perhaps this is one reason that depression and loss are so often associated. We lose sight of the good and lose heart. I want to say though that I believe that the good stuff is still there but out of our view. This can be something to hang on to, and to give hope.

This idea of a black hole seems to put the good outside of ourselves and it may well feel like that. However while it may feel like that, perhaps the good stuff is closer than it seems. I would suggest that it is still within us but somehow obscured.

If it is obscured by the black hole of negativity, then perhaps processing the negative or difficult stuff can clear the way to seeing the good again. We can come to realise that the good stuff, the positive feelings and thoughts were still there all along. It was just that we had our 'black hole glasses' on, and they were distorting our view.

In times when we feel in a black hole, it can seem that that is how it 'really' is. We can then have the thought that 'We were kidding ourselves that life could be okay'. What I want to say is that it is the black hole feeling that causes us to think that there is nothing beyond it. We can get drawn into this, and our negative thoughts and feelings reinforced. It cons us into a distorted sense of how things really are, limiting our view and blocking out the light.

However, we are not our thoughts or our feelings. These can come and go, and we can be affected by them, but they are not us. If we can see ourselves as observers of our thoughts and our feelings rather than being consumed by them, we have begun to take that step back. We also can begin to understand why it is that we may feel so bad at times.

In seeing that the black hole as just a limited, and so distorted perspective, we can begin to move beyond and glimpse the light again. Describing hope as a light at the end of the tunnel seems to me very apt.

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Empowering qualities in counselling

Coming to therapy, and asking for help, can seem like a big step. People may feel that somehow they should be able to cope or at least muddle through on their own. They should be able to do this and they ought to be able to do that. Sometimes though the 'shoulds' and 'oughts' aren't enough - that's just not how you feel.



The counselling room in Stroud, Gloucestershire

Having a space to talk about what bothers you and to reflect on your concerns can in itself be helpful. This is a place where it is okay to talk about you and how you feel. That can be a relief. We are not generally used to having that space just for ourselves. It's a space where you can talk and that means also a space where you are listened to. What you say is heard and considered.

This therapeutic space can also be containing. To come along each week, and talk for a set amount of time, and then stop, can help contain difficult thoughts, anxieties, and painful feelings.Talking in therapy and learning to contain these thoughts and feelings can help us gain a healthy control of them. This can be an empowering experience.

I feel that empowerment is an important concept in therapy. It has sometimes been said that counselling or therapy can create a dependency. However I feel that effective counselling does the opposite. It empowers people by helping them gain more understanding of themselves and in attaining a more healthy control of their emotional life. In that way they may be better equipped to deal with any difficulties, not only in the present, but in the future too.

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