Adoption issues, individual narratives & the importance of listening.

In Adoption Week in the UK, I wanted to write something about adoption issues. This is not about adoption itself as a process, but about those who may have been affected by it and still have issues around it.

We don't normally hear much about adoption in the press; and I feel people often don't know how to react or respond to the subject. For those affected by it, this can feel quite alienating. It can feel like nobody understands. I'm not pretending here as a counsellor to be all knowing and understanding. That's the point, how can I or anyone understand unless somebody tells us what it's like for them?  

Both in life generally and in counselling, I've met quite a few people affected by this issue. What strikes me most is that everyone has their own story, their own particular narrative. There is definitely not a 'one size fits all' account.

The circumstances around adoption may often be complex; and adoption has happened for a wide range of reasons. Individuals react differently, even when circumstances appear to be similar. The only way we can gain some understanding is to listen - to hear someone's story.

This could apply to other circumstances, not just adoption, but I do feel that adoption issues can be particularly multi-faceted; and people's responses can be complex and often conflicted. This is normal. Complex situations are likely to produce complex responses and feelings.

If we can listen, if we're interested in what the other person has to say, then we provide an opportunity or space for that person to be heard - whatever their story.

Lin Travis Counselling Services

Counselling and politics - hopes and dreams in context.

On the day of the US elections, I've been thinking about politics and what it might mean for ordinary people. How relevant are politics in our everyday lives?

As individuals, we have hopes and dreams for ourselves and others. How these play out is in part determined or limited by ourselves, and in part limited by the society in which we live. In counselling, we can take a look at ourselves, maybe discover there is more to us than we previously supposed. This can be hopeful and empowering; but where do we go from here? To pretend we can do anything we wish is patronising.

Whatever we may be capable of achieving, there also need to be opportunities within our society in order to realise these ambitions. I am not arguing for a 'nanny state,' where we are passively looked after, with no responsibility for ourselves. I do feel however that we need to care for each other in a co-operative way. This can work at an individual level and in the way we are as a society, including its politics.

Of course politicians can make all kinds of promises which play on our hopes and dreams - it gets votes.  Being able to deliver on these promises is another thing. With limited resources, we may not be able to do everything we want. This means making choices we would rather not have to make. In politics, there have to be choices and therefore priorities, although what is the priority may change over time.

In prioritising one thing, we may have to face the loss of some other possibility. Just when we choose something really good, at the same time we are not choosing something else. We can feel sad at the same time as feeling good. We feel conflict within ourselves. This can make us stuck and go round in circles, not wanting to make decisions. This happens for us as individuals and in the field of politics. Nobody wants to say 'No we can't do that, even though it's a good thing to do.'

However, accepting the potential losses in difficult decisions can allow us to become unstuck and move forward. It can be painful and challenging; but it is also liberating. It means that we can get on with our lives. We can make plans and look forward to the future in a realistic way.

Lin Travis Counselling Services

Connecting with others

I was just  reading some comments about 'solipsism'. The solipsistic viewpoint suggests that it's not possible to prove the existence of anything beyond your own mind. This may seem extreme or silly to most people, just the province of philosophers in their ivory towers, tying themselves up in knots. Good luck to them! But don't we apply something of this perspective in everyday life?

If not logically, then perhaps from an emotional point of view, we may not always feel that closely connected to others. We can have a sense of our own thoughts and feelings, but not so much of how others think and feel -that can seem less real to us. However doesn't connecting with others in a meaningful way involve seeing at least something of their point of view? Doesn't it involve seeing them as people separate from us - with their own mind, own way of seeing things, own way of feeling things?

It isn't always easy to understand where others are coming from. We can tend to expect that they think about things in the same way that we do. Of course in many ways, this is the case, we share the same culture, have many things in common - but how we think and feel about it may not be exactly the same.

The point I'm trying to make is that understanding other people's point of view can be an enriching experience for us. It can help us feel more connected to others and feel more a part of the world, rather than on our own, seeing others from a distance.

There may be times when we feel distressed and unable to take in other people's point of view so well. This seems to me fair enough. It's important to look after ourselves. However to listen to others and to try to understand from their perspective can help us get closer. That in turn can also be helpful for us. In feeling more securely connected with others, we may feel better in ourselves and more part of the world.

Lin Travis Counselling Services

Freedom and the chains of the unconscious

I heard someone quote the first line of Jean-Jacques Rousseau's book, 'The Social Contract,' the other day. While Rousseau was  discussing people in relation to their society, it seems to resonate in other ways too. The line is,

Man was born free, and he is everywhere in chains.

 I started thinking about this in terms of individuals, how we are in ourselves. We can often feel weighed down, unable to do the things we'd like to do. Something seems to prevent us. What are these chains?

In psychodynamic therapy we look at how the past affects us in the present, interfering with our ability to get on with our lives. We can feel that in some way we are sabotaging ourselves....yet again! We can feel that we are unable to be the best we could be, to realise our potential. In this way we can feel that we are in chains.

From this psychodynamic perspective, I would say that at least some of this goes on at an unconscious level. We may be aware that 'something' is sabotaging us, but we can't work out what it is. Even loosening these chains then, let alone getting rid of them, can seem a daunting task.

I guess though the first step is to recognise that the chains do exist. We have to have some understanding of what we're up against. Perhaps we can notice them indirectly. The things we 'forget' to do. The things we say by 'accident'. The feeling that things are much more difficult than we might expect them to be. These might be signs of the unconscious at work.

Psychodynamic counselling and therapy can help us explore and untangle our past; and perhaps shed some light on our unconscious at work. If we can do this, then we can increase our understanding of ourselves.

As long as we don't see the chains, we can't change anything. We can feel stuck, compelled to act as we do. Whereas if we have more understanding of ourselves, then we can make freer choices as to how we live our lives. We can perhaps at least loosen the chains.

Lin Travis Counselling Services

From badgers to couples counselling - blaming or working together.

Reading again today about badger culls and TB, it made me think again about blame versus responsibility. If there's a problem, there will be some people who find the easiest way out is to point the finger, saying 'It's their fault, nothing to do with me.' In this case, the 'solution' proposed by some has been a badger cull.

It seems a simple solution, but life is often more complex than that though isn't it? In this example, there are badgers with TB; and there are cows with TB. Killing some badgers seems to me unlikely to 'solve' the problem. However as long as the 'culprit' is out there, a perception of 'them' and not 'us', then this type of tactic is likely to be proposed. 

Surely it makes more sense to say that there is a problem and ask what we can do co-operatively to find the best way forward? I'm using the badger issue as an example, as I think it shows just how easily we tend to take sides and to blame and perhaps even to want to punish.

Even to talk about 'solutions' as such can be unhelpful sometimes when dealing with complex situations. Sometimes we have to work on what might be good enough; and manage risk; and find the best way forward. It all sounds very woolly, doesn't it? Dealing with uncertainty can feel like that sometimes but is probably much more realistic. Life can be very uncertain and unpredictable; and there may not be obvious 'solutions' to all our problems. Does this mean that we have to pretend that we have all the answers, or that we can allow ourselves to be uncertain at times?

Uncertainty allows a space for more open-minded exploration and may be more likely to find a productive way forward - much more likely than easy answers that may be ill-considered. Blaming can leave us feeling angry, empty and powerless. Thinking about co-operative ways forward opens the door for a broader view and more creative ideas.

This more open-minded, co-operative way of looking at difficult issues can be applied to badgers; to politics; and also to ordinary individuals trying to relate to each other. For two people, (for instance in couples counselling), to say 'we have a problem that we would like to work on together' is very different to saying 'I think it's his fault!'

The open-minded co-operative approach immediately allows a space to think about what's going on. Without blaming, we can feel comfortable enough to do this, even if it's not easy. This can be really helpful in couples counselling. It may seem like we've come a long way from badgers here, but the same basic processes are involved.  This is about how we relate as human beings whether to other creatures; to other people generally; or in our closest associations with our loved ones.

In fact the closer we get to others, the harder it can get. We can feel more defensive; and when we feel more defensive, we attack more and blame more. However in choosing not to take 'blaming' as the default position, we can take a step back and think about working co-operatively with others. We can work together on the problem and we are no longer alone.

Lin Travis Counselling Services

Anxiety, mindfulness & purple elephants with pink spots on.

General anxiety can be difficult to shift. Thoughts can go round and round and give us no peace. We may feel unable to relax enough to get a good night's sleep; but not alert enough in the day to focus. It can be a vicious cycle.

One way of tackling this however is through mindfulness practice. It can help give us some distance from these difficult thoughts. This is not to say that I think we should avoid our thoughts or try to suppress them. They tend to have a way of either not going away or coming back to bite us somehow. If I say 'don't think of a purple elephant with pink spots', what is the first thing that comes into your mind? The chances are that it's a purple elephant with pink spots!

Rather than forcing thoughts to appear or not, mindfulness helps you gain control of your thoughts in a more healthy and gentle way. In the elephant example, you might allow the thought of a purple elephant to come in to your mind and then let it fade away of its own accord, neither forcing nor trying to stop the process.

Another example would be to imagine that your mind is the clear blue sky, and your thoughts are like clouds going across it. You can't stop them appearing or disappearing, but you know they will go of their own accord.

The problem with our own thoughts, as opposed to clouds or purple elephants, is that we worry about them. In fact we worry about worrying! This in itself raises our level of anxiety. Perhaps we worry about worrying as we think there might be something wrong with us.Why are we worrying like this? Other people don't seem to get like this ...Actually though it is very common, easily done, a vicious cycle. A cycle however that can be broken.

Mindfulness practices have helped many people with these problems. Being practices means that in order for them to help you have to practise rather than just think about them. If you're stuck with nagging thoughts though, it can be a relief to be able to focus on things beyond these thoughts.

How about going for a brisk walk at lunchtime, just five or ten minutes round the block? Focus on your body and how it feels as you take each step. If your mind wanders to your thoughts again, just gently bring it back to the sensations in your body as you walk. If you did this each day, you would be beginning to train yourself in a new and mindful way that could help you tackle your level of anxiety.

Lin Travis Counselling Services

Be mindful...have a cup of tea.

There are so many ways of being mindful but often it's the simple things that are the most effective. One of my favourites is 'have a cup of tea'.

The idea is to focus totally on what you are doing - the complete opposite of multi-tasking! Pour the tea into your favourite cup, notice the colour, the warmth of the cup in your hands, the weight of the cup. Sip it slowly and notice how the tea tastes and feels in your mouth.  Enjoy each sip and concentrate on just that.

If you find your mind wandering, then notice that this is happening. Then gently bring your attention back to the cup of tea. That's it!

It's that easy and that difficult. Generally we do several things at once and our minds flit about - planning, (or is it worrying about), the future and looking back on, (or fretting about), the past. The cup of tea gives you something physical to focus on and it only takes a few minutes of your time.

It may seem difficult to keep your mind focused but think of it as a kind of mind training. If you went to the gym for the first time, you wouldn't expect to perform as well as if you'd been training for a while.

Of course it doesn't have to be tea. It does help though to keep it quite simple. You can then observe yourself and how your mind reacts to this exercise. You can see how it wants to drift off into random thoughts or keeps returning to a particular worry. You have a chance to take a step back and observe your mind in action, gently returning it to the task in hand each time it wanders off.

Learning to focus your mind in this way can have both calming and energising effects - unlike multi-tasking...

Lin Travis Counselling Services