If you love me, you should know what I'm thinking...shouldn't you?

It can feel very reassuring when our partners 'get' us. We can feel understood and perhaps closer in our relationships. But how far do we want this to go? Should we even need to say what's on our mind? Shouldn't they already know...if they love us?

Firstly, I don't think it's possible to always know what is in someone else's mind, however much you may care about them and would like to think you understand them well. After all, simply the fact is that you're not them! That's not to say, we can't understand each other better,  but that's different to expecting others to always know what we're thinking, where we're coming from. Inevitably there are going to be times when we get it wrong. Actually asking them what they think, how they feel, not presuming we already know, can be far more helpful. It also shows our interest in them.

Secondly, would we really want to know what others are thinking without having to ask them? We would be in their heads, not our own. We need our sense of separateness as human beings, our own individuality, as well as our sense of connection with others. To be human is to want to express ourselves as individuals; and to feel connected to others. There's often a tension between the two, but they are both important aspects of ourselves as human beings in the world.

Doesn't that make life more interesting though? Imagine if you always knew what others were thinking? There would be no surprises - a bit of a conversation killer. Would any of us want a partner who thought exactly the same thoughts as we think? Difference can be good - interesting and stimulating.

Lin Travis Counselling Services

The Freud / Jung Letters - a window into the worlds of two great innovators.

I'm in the middle of reading The Freud / Jung Letters; and  I'm finding it fascinating. It's the personal correspondence between Freud and Jung starting in 1906 and going on for around seven years until their final break with each other - over 300 letters!

Looking back from 2013, it strikes me that we now live in a such different world from theirs. Things have moved on. Yet would we be where we are now without them?

Both men were pioneers - innovative thinkers exploring new territory. As they clarified their ideas, their differences came more to the fore; and ultimately they found no way to reconcile them with each other. However despite this, (or maybe because of it), they have both contributed a great deal to our understanding of the human psyche.

Reading their letters, you can see how their ideas develop and crystallise, as they explain themselves to each other. Interesting stuff!..

 

Freud also met Salador Dali. I'd love to have been a fly on the wall at that meeting...

 

Lin Travis Counselling Services

New Year resolutions and making changes

Even if you don't call it a New Year resolution, this is a time of year when many of us think about making a fresh start or at least trying to do things differently to in the past. Then all too often, we end up back in the same old habits as usual, stuck in the same old ways. It can seem like it should be easy enough to make changes but somehow it doesn't always work out like that. Seemingly small things can get in the way. It can be disheartening when this happens.

Counselling may be helpful in exploring what is going on, and perhaps uncovering underlying issues that prevent us from making the changes that we feel would be good for us. If making changes seems worthwhile, then giving yourself the best chance of achieving your goal seems to make sense. Perhaps there are obstacles that need clearing out of the way.

Yet some people may be afraid of failure and think that if they don't really try, then they can't really fail.  This can stop any attempt at change from getting off the ground. On the other hand, others may appear to sabotage themselves in a way that suggests they are more afraid of success. Unravelling these processes, whether conscious or unconscious, may give some clarity and help with seeing a way forward...

January is named after the god Janus who had two faces - one looking back to the past year and one looking forward to the year ahead. We may review the past year and make plans for the coming one - hence the New Year resolutions. Nothing wrong with that, but how much time do we spend then focusing just in the present moment? The past and the future may have an influence on how we live our lives, but we live them in each present moment - ultimately the present is the only place we can really be.

Lin Travis Counselling Services

Jungian approach to therapy - becoming more yourself

When you come for therapy you may not notice or be aware of the theoretical orientation of your therapist. They don't always say much anyway, do they? Does it make any difference what approach they say they use?

I would like to say that it can make a difference. I was reminded the other day, how much value I put on the approach that I use, by seeing it in contrast to other ways of working. In any approach, there are basic assumptions and they inform the perspective and the way we work. I use a psychodynamic approach, that is influenced a fair amount by Jungian concepts and ideas.

For me, the Jungian element gives depth and breadth to therapy. In this perspective, the unconscious is seen to contain not just a collection of repressed thoughts, feelings and memories. It is that, but so much more than that also. It is the source of the 'darker' side of our nature but at the same time, (or perhaps because of this), it contains our creativity and spiritual sides too.

People may often come for help and want to be told what to do. They may be unaware of the resources they already possess. The Jungian approach assumes that these resources are there - perhaps just a bit hard to find. Making this assumption, it is possible to work in a way that encourages people to learn to trust their own abilities. It's empowering and it's hopeful without being 'Pollyannaish'.

It also contains a sense of balance. We may be aware of certain aspects of our personalities but less aware of other parts of ourselves. Discovering that there is more to us than we previously supposed can be challenging but rewarding and enriching. We can feel more 'whole' or that we have come home in some sense, discovering things about us that we weren't aware of before and yet we've always known.

Of course not everyone wants to use the same approach. What may suit one person may not suit another. However finding one you feel comfortable with can make a difference. This is something of what works for me.

Lin Travis Counselling Services

Leveson - free speech,responsibility and the 'Reality Principle'.

The Leveson Report came out today, raising discussion on a number of issues including free speech and responsibility. How do we strike a balance between, on the one hand, free speech; and on the other hand, on protecting members of our society, particularly the most vulnerable, from inappropriate and intrusive behaviour. This seems to me to touch on very basic values, both politically and for us as individuals.

On an individual level, freedom and responsibility can be difficult to balance, just as difficult as they are in our society at large. If I do whatever I want, then how does it impact on you? Therefore if I want to act responsibly, I need to consider how my actions will affect others. This then limits my individual freedom to some degree. How far should these limits on our freedom go? How do we best protect both ourselves and others?

We use rules and regulations to limit our behaviour - some from outside of ourselves, such as rules in our society, and some self-regulation. We need some rules or framework for our lives. These can give us guidance, including ways of behaving ethically and appropriately - part of having a social conscience. We take these rules in, internalise them, and use them in our own judgements and ways of behaving with others.

We therefore interpret our society's rules in our own individual way. We have our own individual social consciences and these can at times do battle with the part of us that wants to have the freedom to do whatever it wants. In Freudian terms, this is the 'superego' versus the 'id'. The superego may be said to voice our social conscience; while the id voices our individual desires and needs. These two therefore come into conflict with each other.

There is however a third part of the internal dynamic, according to Freudian theory. This is the 'ego', the part of us that tries to manage the internal conflict between superego and id; and beyond this with the outside world. The ego then is the part of us that looks at what is 'realistic' for us as individuals for ourselves and in relation to others, as members of society. Freud called this the 'Reality Principle'. We try to be realistic in our perspective and how we behave.

How we interpret rules and react to them therefore seems to me to be quite a fundamental part of human behaviour, part of our individual personalities. Some of us are quicker to follow outside rules than others; some like to position themselves more as outsiders or perhaps as rebels; others as more like campaigners wanting to bring about change - to modify existing rules.

Looking at how we react to changes in rules and regulations in our society therefore can say something about ourselves as individuals. Aren't human beings interesting?

Lin Travis Counselling Services

Bereavement - loss and the process of grief

In our society, we often don't give much space to the grieving process. After a bereavement you may be given a few days off work; and then you 'should be' ready to carry on as usual. Other people may ask how you are, but perhaps you feel they are expecting you to say that you are OK now, even if that's not really how you feel inside.

Grieving takes as long as it takes! It isn't something you can hurry; nor is it something you can just 'do' to fit in with a busy work schedule. However you may feel the pressure to show others that you are 'back to normal,'  when in fact you're still grieving. There is no 'right' way to grieve. We do it in our own time and our own way.

I feel that this is important in itself - the fact that we all have our own individual way of grieving. If a loved one dies, those who were close to that person may all grieve in different ways. This can have various consequences.

You may feel that you don't want to 'burden' others or perhaps that you need to be the 'strong one' and put your own feelings to one side in order to be there for them. Therefore you keep your feelings to yourself, maybe even burying them. Sometimes it may seem that there is nothing else you can do. At some point though, these feelings are likely to re-emerge, perhaps when you're least expecting it. They come back to bite you.

One way of thinking about this is that feelings may re-emerge when you have the space and the capacity to deal with them. I'm saying this because people may feel that they 'shouldn't ' have feelings of grief after 'all this time' - maybe years after the bereavement. It tends to happen though because these feelings were put to one side. They need to come out at some point. It's part of the grieving process - part of healing. You do it when you are able.

Another consequence of a bereavement is that while you may be grieving yourself, and your family or partner is grieving too, at any one point in time, your feelings may not correspond. Therefore you may feel out of tune with others. Why do you feel sad, when they are angry? Why do you feel angry, when they are feeling sad? Why does someone feel numb and others highly emotional?

These differences can cause feelings of isolation. It can be hard to understand each other - just when you need each other most. This is a normal experience in grieving. It makes things more complicated though - an extra stress.

Accepting that other people will be grieving in their own way - just as you are - can ease the process. Some people may very openly express their feelings, while others keep it in. But they both could be hurting just as much as each other. Some people may just feel numb. That doesn't mean they don't care but that it is hard for them to take it in all at once - a kind of self protection. We take in what we are able to. It takes time. 

Allowing each other the space for your own processes is therefore very helpful. You may not entirely understand how others feel, but acknowledging and accepting the difference can still help. It's certainly a good starting point.

I've mentioned anger, sadness and feeling numb. There may be one particular feeling at any one time, but it can also feel like a mix of conflicting feelings battling it out.  Again, although difficult, this is normal. Accepting that you are experiencing a mix of feelings, however much you'd rather not, can be helpful.

Counselling is an option for exploring these complex feelings, when it's hard to sort them out by yourself. Having a space to talk about how you feel can help untangle and make more sense of these feelings.

These are just some brief comments about bereavement and loss, particularly focusing on our individual differences and acceptance of this. Finally, I'd like to say that grieving is a process.This means that however idiosyncratic, it does have a beginning, middle and end, however complex it may seem. Working through your difficult feelings, as grieving allows you to do, gives you a chance to heal. It isn't just time but the healing takes place in time. Having patience and compassion for yourself and others can help with this process of grief.

Lin Travis Counselling Services

Telephone counselling - increasing access to therapy in the UK

When thinking about the possibility of therapy, have you ever considered telephone counselling? While it may not be be suitable for everyone, it can have certain advantages.

For instance, if you live in a rural area, where there is no easy access to a local counsellor, it may be that telephone counselling could be a viable alternative. It could also be that you would like a particular type of counselling, that is not generally available in your area. Therefore telephone counselling might give you more choice in terms of type of therapeutic approach. You can choose someone from anywhere across the country.

Even if there are local counsellors available, perhaps you are unable to travel. Whether you have a disability that prevents you from easily travelling; or because of family or work commitments, it could be that you just can't get there.

When you have limited time with a busy lifestyle or a range of demands on your time, actually making time for therapy can be a challenge in itself. Yet often, feeling that you have too demands on your time is stressful...  So when you need it most, you are least able to access therapy! Telephone counselling means no time travelling to appointments and so can be more easily fitted in.

While regular weekly appointment times can be the most effective for counselling, flexible times for those unable to keep same time appointments each week can be easier to arrange with telephone work. It is worth checking if your intended counsellor is able to do this and whether they think variable appointment times would be appropriate for you.

What can you then expect from telephone counselling? In many ways you may find it not so different from face-to-face work. Generally it will be at a regular time with each session lasting maybe fifty minutes or an hour. The counsellor usually asks you to call them at the pre-arranged time on their landline.

While some people may find it difficult at first to feel comfortable talking over the telephone, others may find it almost too easy. An experienced telephone counsellor should be aware of this and do their best to help individuals feel comfortable and secure enough to work safely and effectively.  In this way work can proceed at an appropriate pace with time to reflect and process difficult feelings, as it would in face-to-face work. Of course, this is not to say that telephone counselling will be suitable for everyone. Some may need the added security of the face-to-face environment.

While telephone counselling may not appeal or be suitable for everyone, it can be a viable choice for some who might otherwise not be able to access therapy.  Increasing access to therapy seems to me very worthwhile.

(NB I am writing specifically about the UK.  Some other countries, or particular states in other countries, may have regulations prohibiting offering therapeutic services out of their jurisdiction area. My comments therefore are directed at UK individuals thinking about telephone counselling, though those in other countries may find the general points of some interest.)

Lin Travis Counselling Services